I dont know how to stop lamenting
I dont kn0w how to stop missing him
the face that i saw in my dream last night is still before my eyes
all I do is sit before my altar and tell my kanu 'I am Sorry'
my behaviour seems immature but I believe its very Human
I dont know how to stop wishing for ONE oportunity to meet him and tell him all i feel for him all that I ever felt.
Also an opportunity to know all tht he ever thought about me.
And in this gloominess I usually get frustrated
Because I dont know how to react, how to feel
sometimes even a big injury won't affect me
sometimes even a small argument makes me mad
i know I should learn how to deal with it
but as of now I am unable to get through it.
May be i will learn someday
Upset this morning when I looked at my Gopinath, he reminded me of the Caring Shelter Workhop that I attended couple of months back. The words that echoed in my mind was "Its OK to be SAD"
I know one day I will practically accept He is gone forever and he will never ever come back
i will get no chance to talk to him, and i may stop repenting, and stop feeling guilty tht i could do nothng for him
may b someday I will stop remembering his every emotion, frustration, misery, suffering and helplessness.
I Trust that he is in Krsna's care, he was a good man little ignorant, little innocent, little arrogant yet the best man in my life.. Who loved me more than anyone and anything and I never valued it.
I shall sober up some day, I shall behave Good, I shall control my emotions from overcoming my intelligence.
But I also know it will take ages to get free of the guilt that I never Expressed my Love to him.
This makes me wonder Why are we always scared of our dear ones? Why we hurt them the most? Why don't we often express what we feel for them? Why do we take things for granted? Why we always complain of the shortcomings? why can't we simply appreciate whats simply best about people? Why is it only the absence that makes us value people? Why Can't we just love them for what they are when they are?
My Loss taught me few things I want to share
Express Your Love to your Dear ones while you have Time
Once its too late, you will have nothing to feel but repentence
Is it too difficult to ignore the misunderstandings, Tolerate anger and frustrations and just Love, after all the fight simply say "Its OVER, now can we be normal again"
Things would have been so different if only I could tell him "Paa I Really Love you, You're my Hero" while he was there.
All I feel today is disdainful about myself to have never behaved well with him.
No matter how loud I scream I know he won't hear me.
But in this hopelessness I can't go insane and just keep hurting others who are there with me. Although I cannot stop expressing my anger or frustration, I will try to not stop expressing my Love for them as well.
Deep Down I know My Paa is fine, in Krsna's Loving care. Happy Somewhere serving him.
All I pray is "Krsna! Please ask him to forgive me for not being a Good daughter. But He was truly an excellent Father, He was your best Gift to me"
All I wanna say is
"Love people, and just ignore whats not pleasing to you, as my Guru Maharaj (HH Radhanath Swami) says: 'Seek not to be understood but Understand' and above all Always Forgive- Others for hurting you and Yourself for the mistakes you do"
Lets make things Beautiful While We can.