Waking up at to my son jumping on me at 12:30 am, wishing me “Happy Birthday” was the sweetest thing that happened to me. “Main aapke liye gift leke aaya hu.” saying that he gave something in my hand and insisted that I opened it immediately. More than me he was surprised and excited to find chocolate. Next cute thing was to read some sweet confessions from my husband, in words beautifully stringing his feelings; Truthful and so full of love. By 1:30 both father and son dozed off. I had slept for good 2 hours and somehow my body gets satisfied with that nap. So I thought I could use the time to just reflect on my 27 years that I just completed at 3:05 am coming into this world.
Few years ago I thought my life was so miserable. Then with time as I turned my journey seeking within, I thought maybe now my life got better that I am so “spiritual”. Today as I look back, I find my life has always been perfect, like a perfectly blended delicacy where every taste maintains its identity while complimenting each other. In fact I think my life was more like a Mojito (virgin)- the refreshing mint, the lemon, the sweet, the ice, the bubbles(perhaps why it’s my favorite).
I was remembering thinking about what Dr. Rangana Rupavi Choudhuri explained in the Journey program, how in one year’s time our body is completely renewed; that we have a completely new set of tissues all organs changed and yet we remain same in so many ways. It was amazing fact to be aware of. Well the bhagavad-gita says that too, it’s scientifically proven, theoretically we know. Yet it was that moment when it clicked.
At least 27 times full body changed, and yet nothing changed. Because, it’s not the body, it’s I who would love to transform. When I took an inventory of what all I am storing, I found, lot of anger and frustration, and sadness and complaints. But journeying deeper they were simply manifestations of un-forgiveness and false ego. Usually such a realization would take me into self critical mode, but just a few days ago I promised, that I would not hate anyone or anything not even myself. So I wondered what do I do. How should I feel? I am so attached to feeling something or having a reaction. That having no-feeling was causing me to worry a little. And then something in me said “JUST BE” like a little new born bundle of universe, who just is, breathing in to beingness, into God’s Love – so unconditional. And somehow the white feather reminded me “trnadapi sunicena, taror api sahishnuna, amaanina maan dena, kirtaniya sada hari” –Sikshastakam verse3. I was amazed how this was the first thing I learnt, when I started my journey following vaishnavism, and it’s the one instruction my Gurumaharaj HH Radhanath Swami repeats in his every lecture and how easily I had forgotten it; because I was so busy, analyzing my past and planning my future.
Any moment before now, is no more. Any moment after now, is not yet. All I have is now, to love, to serve, to feel, to be. I guess I will call it “I am feeling Present”, perhaps the best present I gave myself till now. Praying to be in this feeling forever.
Sikshastakam verse 3
trinad api sunichena
taror api sahishnuna
kirtaniyah sada harih
One should chant the holy name of the Lord in a humble state of mind, thinking oneself lower than the straw in the street; one should be more tolerant than a tree, devoid of all sense of false prestige and should be ready to offer all respect to others. In such a state of mind one can chant the holy name of the Lord constantly.