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Thursday, 28 March 2013

Time I am

A realisation which got inspired after reading 'IDLE GOSSIP' of a friend.

Krishna says in Bhagvat Gita 10:30- "Among subduers I am Time" 

Thinking over just this one line. It means every day is Krsna, Every hour, Every minute, every second, every millisecond is KRISHNA. Can't this be one reason why we are advised since ages that we must not waste time?

We must make the optimum use of our time. what we do with our time is actually what we do with krsna. Isn't it therefore better to always utilize our time in the pleasure of Krishna.
Also its so amazing to realise and feel krishna in every moment. Its Krishna everywhere, and Everytime With us.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

While We Can . . .

I dont know how to stop  lamenting
I dont kn0w how to stop missing him
the face that i saw in my dream last night is still before my eyes
all I do is sit before my altar and tell my kanu 'I am Sorry'
my behaviour seems immature but I believe its very Human
I dont know how to stop wishing for ONE oportunity to meet him and tell him all i feel for him all that I ever felt.
Also an opportunity to know all tht he ever thought about me.

And in this gloominess I usually get frustrated
Because I dont know how to react, how to feel
sometimes even a big injury won't affect me
sometimes even a small argument makes me mad
i know I should learn how to deal with it
but as of now I am unable to get through it.
May be i will learn someday
Upset this morning when I looked at my Gopinath, he reminded me of the Caring Shelter Workhop that I attended couple of months back. The words that echoed in my mind was "Its OK to be SAD"

I know one day I will practically accept He is gone forever and he will never ever come back
i will get no chance to talk to him, and i may stop repenting, and stop feeling guilty tht i could do nothng for him
may b someday I will stop remembering his every emotion, frustration, misery, suffering and helplessness.

I Trust that he is in Krsna's care, he was a good man little ignorant, little innocent, little arrogant yet the best man in my life.. Who loved me more than anyone and anything and I never valued it.
I shall sober up some day, I shall behave Good, I shall control my emotions from overcoming my intelligence.

But I also know it will take ages to get free of the guilt that I never Expressed my Love to him.
This makes me wonder Why are we always scared of our dear ones? Why we hurt them the most? Why don't we often express what we feel for them? Why do we take things for granted? Why we always complain of the shortcomings? why can't we simply appreciate whats simply best about people? Why is it only the absence that makes us value people? Why Can't we just love them for what they are when they are?

My Loss taught me few things I want to share
Express Your Love to your Dear ones while you have Time
Once its too late, you will have nothing to feel but repentence
Is it too difficult to ignore the misunderstandings, Tolerate anger and frustrations and just Love, after all the fight simply say "Its OVER, now can we be normal again"

Things would have been so different if only I could tell him "Paa I Really Love you, You're my Hero" while he was there.
All I feel today is disdainful about myself to have never behaved well with him.
No matter how loud I scream I know he won't hear me.

But in this hopelessness I can't go insane and just keep hurting others who are there with me. Although I cannot stop expressing my anger or frustration, I will try to not stop expressing my Love for them as well.

Deep Down I know My Paa is fine, in Krsna's Loving care. Happy Somewhere serving him.
All I pray is "Krsna! Please ask him to forgive me for not being a Good daughter. But He was truly an excellent Father, He was your best Gift to me"

All I wanna say is
"Love people, and just ignore whats not pleasing to you, as my Guru Maharaj (HH Radhanath Swami) says: 'Seek not to be understood but Understand' and above all Always Forgive- Others for hurting you and Yourself for the mistakes you do"

Lets make things Beautiful While We can.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

beche toh bik jaaun

Walking back the memory lane this evening I reached an evening which held a vivid place in my memories. With project papers on the writing pad, research materials like books, printouts spread accross my study table I was reading through one of the books - A life sketch of Meerabai- and came accross this Poem

"main Giridhar ke ghar jaaun
Giridhar mharo saacho pritam
dekhat roop lubhaun
jaha bithaawe tith hi baithu
beche toh bik jaaun
Meera k prabhu Giridhar naagar
bar bar bali jaaun"

I felt these words through tears. For some strange reason I felt extremely happy, I felt proud of I don't know what. As if I achieved everything humanly possible and I have nothing else to Desire.

A feeling of belonging began to embrace me. I belong to that Giridhari, I am owned by him, I am a puppet of his hand completely at his disposal and the fact that I was happy about it seemed crazy to me then. But it didnt matter. All I wanted is to just live with that feeling.

That state of heart and mind continued for a few days, but the conditioned human nature rose back and I was again trapped in thousand desires. When I look back to it today, the line "beche toh bik jaaun" keeps echoing in my mind and I so wish to feel the same way again and Forever.
Absolute total Surrender, so Innocent and So pure.
Read tha same poem again few days back, the complete poem will share it too.

"Main Giridhar ke ghar jaaun
Giridhar mhaaro saacho pritam 

dekhat roop lubhaun
Rayn pade tab hi uthi jaaun
bhor bhaye uthi aaun
rayn dina wa ke sang khelu
jyu tyu taa hi rijhaaun
jo pahiraave soi pahiru
jo de soyi khaaun
meri uski preeti purani
un bin pal na rahaun
jaha baithave tith hi baithu
beche toh bik jaaun
Meera kahe prabhu Giridhar naagar
baar baar bali jaaun."

Oh friend! I shall go to the House of my Giridhar
He alone is my true beloved
in a most attractive form.
I shall wake up in the night
I shall wake up at the dawn
Will enjoy with him Day and night
and do whatever it takes to please him
I shall wear whatever he makes me wear
and eat whatever he feeds me
This Love between us is age old
I cannot sustain a moment without him
I shall sit wherever he makes me sit
and Get SOLD when HE sells me
Oh Lord of Meera's Life Giridhar
My Life I surrender to you.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

KaisaSuman diwana hai

Lamha lamha dohraaye
yeh gum ka naya bahana hai
Do pal muskaakar murjhaya
yeh kaisa suman diwana hai

kuch pal baithu koi baat karu
jo chand zara khil jaaye toh
jee bhar dekhu har raat jagu
koi dost kabhi mil jaye toh.
Raat sakhi jeevan bhar ki
par dost ko ek din jana hai
Do pal muskaakar murjhaya
yeh kaisa suman diwana hai

mann pagla pal-pal ghabraaye
na bole kuch sunta jaaye
jane gehri kya baat chupi
jo chaahe par keh na paaye
Na samjhe kuch na chaahe kuch
khud hi mein ise samaana hai
Do pal muskaakar murjhaya
yeh kaisa suman diwana hai

har paath jale din-raat jale
par bhi andhiyara chhoote na
bhar bhar ojhal ho kar bhi kyun
naino ke baadal toote na
raah take har shaam na jane
kise yaha phir aana hai
Do pal muskaakar murjhaya
yeh kaisa suman diwana hai

na jane kis mod pe aakar
ye raah bawree suljhegi
kya jane fir koi nayi
manzil se jaakar uljhegi.
Mann chahe ab so wo kare
humko na ise samjhana hai
Do pal muskaakar murjhaya
yeh kaisa suman diwana hai

Saturday, 9 March 2013

To My Valentine

Love is always patient and kind
it is never boastful nor conceited
it is never rude or selfish
it does not take offence
and is not resentful
Love takes no pleasure
in other people's saneness
but delights in truth
it is always ready
to excuse
to trust
to hope
enduring whatever comes

Thank you for always being there for me. For Tolerating my anger and impatience. You never complained but always treated me with patience and Love. There were many times when I was ungrateful and selfish but you still forgave all my mistakes. You always offered me your unconditional Love. You were there for me in my failure and you rejoiced in my every achievement. You comforted me when I was upset. You held my hand and guided me when my journey seemed tough. Who else can ever Love me as you do? Who else can ever be so patient? Forgive me that I cannot Love you back as much, I am too caught up in my busy life, I realize you are waiting for me, so that I can speak with you, spend some good time with you, but every time I try to do it, my mind flickers away and I disappoint you once again, yet you smile at me and, "Its alright, try again, I am waiting." I am trying, but nothing works, Its like I am acustomed to ignore you. But I promise I won't give up, I promise one day I will surely Love you more than anything and everything. I want to Love You you are the most wonderful beloved one can ever have. But a shameless fool like me,can't give up other commitments and I beg to be helped. Won’t you help me my Beloved Ghanshyam???

Saturday, 2 March 2013

No Holding Back

Talking with a friend this morning a very interesting conversation filled my thoughts. This conversation was with my Counselor few years ago. After a long gap of around one month I could finally visit temple, I was very excited and RadhaRaasbihariji were wearing my favorite blue and silver with an even more beautiful ‘Pagdi’ (turban). That was not all. Even RadhaBankimrai (my counselor’s deities) were in a brilliant golden dress. My eyes celebrated the most blissful festivals of the darshan. Few thoughts began to race in my mind and I simply asked Mataji, “Mataji, Krishna blesses with a desire to serve him, to see him, then there are obstacles, then He makes the way, then we come to him thinking that we are pleasing him by doing so; but if we observe It is actually He who is making us Happy. Then what are we doing?” Mataji smiled and she replied, “We tell him that we want him. We accept to be his servants.” That’s all. Bhakti is so simple; just firmly accept to be his servant. Just genuinely desire to Love him. And He includes you in his pastime. But it is so difficult for us to just do this simple thing. So many desires to fulfill, that we either keep postponing the Desire to want him – Krishna let me just achieve this particular thing then nothing do I want, Krishna this is my last wish, Krsna just let me get this job then I can serve you better, Krsna let me clear this exam then I will concentrate on my Sadhna, Krsna let me first get married so that I am free to do my Sadhna etc… etc… etc… - so many reasons to postpone the KC DESIRE. Or else If we do not postpone worse we do is pretend to have the desire while still lamenting on our losses.
This discussion reminded me of One of Gurumaharaj’s(HH Radhanath Swami)lectures. In that lecture he was explaining the Maakhan Chor leela of Gopal. How Gopal’s stealing is justified. He explained-
Everything belongs to Krishna, he can take it any way, but he chooses to steal, and when he comes to steal something from us then he is including us in his pastime, and if we do not allow him to steal then it is actually that we are stealing from him, we are rejecting his mercy by lamenting on our losses. He can steal anything from us, and surrender means to give it all, no holding Back. Can we Try it?